Episode 206 - Three Ways to Maximize Shana Rishona Part 3: From Self-Centered to Self-Aware
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Here's where I'd guess we spend most of our mental (yuck) energy: what is wrong with the world/people and what we'd like to change about the world/people.
At least, when we're not paying attention.
Here's what I'm NOT going to tell you to do: change your mind. There's plenty wrong with the world, and people are messing up all over. Telling yourself that actually it's all peachy-keen is just going to make you more cranky.
Anyway, that's not even real growth.
Real growth is saying, where is the most valuable place to put myself? Where do I get the most bang for my mental-energy buck? Because when I board the "everyone is awful" train, I know that leads straight to the Oreos and a doom-scroll. But when I focus on what gets ME interested or motivated in the world, all that powerful mental energy starts to take me somewhere way more exciting.
I want you on the train YOU want to be on.
Not the one where you tell yourself everything is perfect.
The one where you remember that you matter WAY too much to be spending your time spinning in frustration and resentment (or overwhelm, anxiety... pick your poison 😉)
Then we apply it to EVERYTHING -- your marriage, your work, your family, your body, living where you live, everything.
So let's start with point A: where are you now?
WHAT YOU'LL DISCOVER IN THIS EPISODE:
Two mindsets
Victim mode and resentment
What game are you playing?
FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE:
Want to share your coaching wins? Have a question? Thinking about joining the course and want to talk it out? I'd love to hear from you!
Newlywed Course starting Dec 2 kaylalevin.com/newlywed
WhatsApp: https://wa.me/19739307981
Email: kaylalevin@kaylalevin.com
0:00
Freeways to Maximize Shana Rishona Part 3 From self-centered to self aware.
0:17
Welcome to the First Year Married podcast where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams.
I'm marriage coach Kayla Levin and I take newly married and engaged women from anxious and insecure to confident and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration and more than a little self-awareness along the way.
0:39
Welcome back my friends.
OK, before, I've already offended you.
Probably.
I'm not calling you self-centered.
I'm just describing 2 states of being that all humans go through.
So number one, this is called from self-centered to self aware.
But I want you to be thinking this in terms of states of, you know, mindsets, not in terms of me saying you're all self-centered.
0:59
So now become self aware, which is totally what it sounds like, but whatever.
I wanted to get this recorded.
I'm not going to sit here pulling my hair out trying to figure out how else I should call this episode.
This is what we're going with.
So those of you who are just joining now, this is the third part of a three-part series where I am giving just the three things that came to my mind that I wanted to share with newlyweds because we are about to launch as this is going out.
1:26
It still shouldn't have started, but we are about to launch the next cohort of the first year married course, December 2nd, 2024.
Super, super excited.
So we're doing a little bit of Shana Rishona love over here on the podcast.
And this is also relevant anywhere in your marriage that you are.
1:44
Trust me, there's nothing here I'm talking about that I've only used with my newlywed clients.
I have clients who've been married longer than I have and I'm using the same material for them too.
OK, It's a little bit different in terms of the examples.
The processes are still the same.
1:59
And maybe the importance of doing these things in Shana Rishona is a bit higher because let's be honest, it's a process.
Shana Rishana is a process.
According to Rabbi Tats, it takes 10 years.
Some of you just found out you're still in Shana Rishana.
You didn't even know when you started the podcast.
So look at that.
OK, from self-centered to self aware.
2:18
So here are two states of let's say, I don't want to say states of being, let's say mindsets.
OK, there's there's a self-centered mindset and there's a self aware mindset.
Nobody ever feels self-centered in the moment.
2:34
Sometimes people will say, OK, now I realize after that whole experience I was kind of very self-centered.
Like I was focused on myself but didn't ask them questions about themselves.
OK.
But in the moment, I don't, I don't think anyone ever is like feeling self-centered.
2:51
Like let's just think about me.
I'm more important than everyone else.
I, I, I don't, I just don't think that that's where we're at yet.
If we were to actually have a transcript of all the thoughts that went through our head, there are times when those thoughts are about me, what I want, what I like, what I don't like, what I think people should do differently, how it's hurting me, how it makes me feel, how it's messing up my day.
3:15
Another way to think about this would be like victim mode.
OK, what is, what is the state?
It's like I'm, I'm very focused on myself, but I'm not actually in a mode where I can be proactive.
I'm not in a mode where I can fix it.
I'm just very focused on like all the things that are happening to me and how it's making me feel.
3:33
The way out of victim mode, out of this self-centered mode where I'm not being proactive is actually not to build up my confidence and to give myself a pep talk and say I can do it anyway.
Maybe if you, if you, if that works for you, go for it.
3:48
But what I find as a coach that the anecdote for self-centered or the anecdote to victim mentality is self-awareness.
Why?
Let's say that I'm going to use a husband example.
4:04
Here's the classic.
He's not waking up, he's not waking up.
He's not going to shacharis with a minyan.
He's maybe not even making it to sheer on time.
This is not the Shana Rishona you had in mind.
4:20
He said something about how like, yeah, maybe one of his weaknesses is getting up on time.
But like, dude, I've been up.
I took a shower, I went to the gym and I got an hour of school work done and you're still in bed.
What is even happening?
OK, self-centered or let's just, I'm just switch it to victim mode.
4:36
We're just going to do it.
Victim mode is here's all the things I can't do.
I can't really start my day.
I don't know what he's doing.
Like, I don't know where we're going to go.
Are we going out to eat?
I don't.
Am I allowed to wake him?
Should I not wake him?
This isn't the husband that I wanted.
This isn't the life that I wanted.
I wanted to look like this.
4:52
This is not OK.
It's upsetting me.
It's concerning me.
I need to know how I can stop it.
I'm thinking a lot.
I'm feeling a lot.
But are any of these thoughts getting me anywhere?
No, like the most effective thing I've ever seen happen from this is that at some point the pressure cooker blows.
5:14
She goes to a sister-in-law that you otherwise wouldn't have been willing to talk to and she's like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And she's like, Oh my gosh, I totally went through that too.
Here's what you should do.
OK, That's the only possible benefit is that you might completely lose it and then you'll happen to Blues it with somebody who might be helpful.
You also might lose it with someone who's not helpful and most of the time you lose it with him.
5:32
So I think it's not like our plan, you know, like it's maybe not the best strategy available to us. self-awareness.
What would self-awareness offer me?
Self-awareness is what I do in the first class of the first year married course and also when inside of my my membership program, when we do all sorts of coaching, we do it with something called the model.
5:57
We start by breaking down what is the literal fact in the situation with no emotional undertone, no story.
So the literal effect in the situation is it's 12:30 and my husband hasn't gotten out of bed yet.
Right.
My husband's in bed.
It's 12:30.
Is that true?
Yes.
I wouldn't even say he's gotten out of bed yet.
6:14
As if he's supposed to get out of bed.
And if he was sick, we wouldn't say he hasn't gotten out of bed yet. 1230, he's lying in bed.
Those things are true.
I could prove that to be true.
OK, where's my head right now?
Well, my head is thinking this is not how I pictured Shana Vishona.
He's.
6:29
And honestly, if I was to be really honest, I'm thinking like he's ruining my Shana Vishona, right this sleeping in him, He's ruining my Shana Vishona.
So how am I feeling?
Most newlyweds don't identify the feeling of resentment, so we're going to assume you can't.
But you might be feeling it doesn't mean you're not feeling it.
6:47
So you might be feeling, let's say, frustrated, sad, overwhelmed.
So what are you doing?
Well, you're staying home because you have to know how long he's sleeping.
And you're kind of watching it.
Like, your brain is very aware of what's happening, whether he's up, whether he's not up.
7:05
You know how many times that snooze button went off before he just turned off the alarm?
For sure, he doesn't know.
You know, you paid attention if you actually leave the house to go do something productive, it's with an attitude of like, here's what I'm doing and you're not.
But half the time you don't even do that.
You stay home, trapping yourself in this idea that because he didn't get up, that somehow effects how your day is supposed to go.
7:27
Even though he wouldn't be here anyway, right?
He'd be at Shoal or he'd be at cheer or he'd be at work.
Wherever it is you think he's supposed to be, he wouldn't be here.
And yet when he's here, when he's sort of quote, UN quote, not supposed to be, you're feeling stuck.
OK, I'm not saying you're wrong.
7:44
I'm not trying to make you feel bad for it.
What I want you to do is to just get this place of like, what am I doing here, right?
What's in my control?
Because when I'm very focused on him and what he's doing and why he should be up, I'm so stuck or I'm so resentful or I'm so angry that I'm just not doing.
8:02
I'm not having the life that I want.
So of course, of course I'm proving myself right that him sleeping in is ruining Shana Rashona, even though it's not true.
I'm the one ruining my Shana Rishona by the way, that I'm thinking it's it's really nice.
It it feels like it's because of the actions, right?
8:18
The actions do the actions are ruining my Shana Rishona.
I'm sitting at home all day long stewing.
I'm scrolling on every site that makes me as discombobulated and stressed out as possible.
Even though we call it fun.
I'm, I'm, you know, whatever it is I'm doing.
I'm just sitting there in this little Stew of self pity.
8:36
My friend invited me and I said no because maybe he would get up.
I probably would have just gone if he was up, right?
Like, but no.
And so now all these actions are ruining my son of Rishona.
Like I'm, I'm ruining it for myself, but I'm not ruining it because he's in bed.
I'm ruining it because I'm taking those actions.
8:54
Why am I taking those actions?
Because I'm feeling angry or resentful or overwhelmed or sad or however you're defining it that's making me do this.
Why am I feeling that way?
Because I'm thinking him sleeping in like this.
9:12
He's ruining my shana rishona.
That makes me feel terrible.
So what do I do?
So now I like hopefully at that point you'll, and of course, I'm, I'm giving you an example.
It's not the same model as yours, right?
You do things that are different, you think differently, you have different types of feelings that are your go to feelings.
9:29
That's fine.
I'm just trying to display for you what the mechanics look like.
Because when I get to the place where I go, Oh yeah, there's some things that I wanted to do I can't do because he's literally unconscious.
But wow, there's so much that I'm doing, if I'm honest with myself, that I'm creating this for myself.
9:49
Like this isn't even about him.
This is me and this is me getting fixated on this one thing and and not being able to let it go.
And that's what's causing the problem.
Oh, by the way, this also happens with yourself, right?
So like sometimes the struggle isn't he's doing everything wrong as I think I'm doing everything wrong.
10:07
Like I lost it yesterday and I, I spoke to him in a way I can't imagine.
I can't believe I just said to, said something to my husband like that.
I, I called him a name.
It was gross.
It was awful with this blowout fight.
And I'm so embarrassed by how I behaved.
I could get stuck on that too.
I could get stuck on that too.
10:23
And in the name of, you know, giving myself muscle or whatever and thinking that that's personal growth.
Now I'm just going to create more of the same.
If you looked at the model, if you look at the mechanical model, you'll see the same thing happens.
OK, it doesn't pull us out.
There is a way to get pulled out.
Don't worry.
This isn't about not growing.
10:39
This is about knowing where is this train my brain is on going to take me when I'm thinking him staying in bed ruins Shana Rishona.
That train is called My Shana rishona is going to be rotten because my brain wants to prove me right.
If the train is I'm a terrible wife because I lose my temper, this is not the thought that's going to take you to, you know, an inspiring share about learning to grow in our mitos.
11:05
No, this is the kind of thought that's going to have you hiding in bed, having a horrible life, being super depleted, and then just losing it all over again.
Hey, we have to know where I think thoughts are taking us.
Where does this train lead to?
If I'm going to get fixated on a thought, I want to know where it's going to take me.
OK.
11:21
My thoughts are so, so powerful.
So now I've got this awareness.
Oh, hey, I still don't like him sleeping in.
I still don't think it's like, OK, I don't want to just like, be OK with it.
I don't want to just pretend my values are different than my values.
Like, I actually think it's important for him to get up, but I don't need to sacrifice myself for that.
11:42
It's not helping anyway.
It's not making him suddenly change.
This is something he's probably struggled with for a very long time before I came on the scene.
It's not going to magically disappear just because I'm, I'm also upset about it.
Oh, same old story.
Everyone's been upset with him about this.
OK, so then we want to say I didn't pick this particular game.
12:03
Maybe I didn't pick the game called How to Be My Best Self When Your Husband, when my husband doesn't get up, when I thought he would get up, that's not the game I would have picked.
I would have picked the game called How to Be the Sudakis who sends her husband out even when she has a cold to learning.
12:23
Or I would be the one who is the ba'alas tzedaka who figures out where to donate all of the money that my husband's making because he's such a tremendous success in business, right?
These are the games I thought I was playing.
I'm not saying myself personally, but whatever we're like, we can all come up with a game that we think would be the game we should be playing, right?
12:41
Hashem doesn't care.
You have no idea what game you're supposed to be playing.
This is the game you're on.
Your game board is husband sleeps in.
What we try to do is think the way to win the game is to get him to change.
But no, he is the game board.
The circumstances of your life is the game board.
12:58
So now you want to say, well, what's called winning this game?
Here's an idea.
Maybe it's preserving his sense of self respect, continuing to find ways to respect and admire this guy so I can build him and not be one more person who's coming down on him about not being able to wake up in the morning.
13:17
Maybe it's make morning so fun in your house that he starts to wake up a little bit earlier.
Maybe it's celebrating small successes.
Maybe it's totally deciding this is his journey.
I'm quitting the job of being Mushkiyach over this and I'm going to go use my morning in a completely different way.
13:34
I'm going to plan my day around not expecting to see him first thing in the morning.
I don't know what's the answer for you, right?
But if you step back and look at it and say this is what was handed to me and success is available, but I have to look at what success is.
13:50
Success is never he changes.
Success is me.
Something is being demanded of me.
Something is being asked of me.
What's funny is that now we're actually way more self-centered in a way, right?
Like now I'm really thinking about myself.
In the beginning I was thinking about him and like, yeah, it came back to me.
But now if I can get focused on like what is my part to play in this picture?
14:12
What is success for me?
And then how do I get there?
When you stumble on your answer or hopefully you find your, you know, stumble on sounds like it's going to be random, but you find the answer for you that inspires you, the rest of it's going to click into place because often the answer of what the success is is the thought.
14:31
So let's say that the success is I'm going to be this guy's biggest cheerleader no matter what I am team him.
I'm the number one.
There won't be anyone that believes in it more than me.
Guess what?
That's my thought.
There is no one that believes in this guy more than me.
14:48
The fact that he has a challenge, who cares?
He's amazing, and I see it.
Doesn't mean he's amazing.
He's gonna turn into this particular little image cut out that you have in your head.
Right?
He's amazing.
I see it.
My job is to see it.
My job is to build it.
OK, that feels amazing.
15:05
What are you doing when you're feeling amazing?
You're amazing.
First of all, you're having a great life.
You're doing things that mean something to you.
You're celebrating his wins.
You're suddenly noticing the 9 billion amazing reasons that you married him that totally overshadowed the fact that the guy can't get up in the morning right now, right?
15:25
All of a sudden, your brain's going to start to show you all of that.
It's going to make it possible.
You maybe even see, I want, I want to, I'm going to start doing this intentionally.
I'm going to think about 3 things I love about my husband every single morning before I drink my coffee.
You'll come up with that because you're inspired by the value, by the vision, by what is there for you.
15:45
Where is your growth here?
Where is your success here?
This is how self-awareness can be so helpful.
So self-awareness breaks that cycle of victim mode.
It gets us to a place where now we realize, Oh my gosh, I'm not a victim.
I am creating so much.
Are you creating everything?
16:00
No, absolutely not.
Are you creating a lot?
Is your thinking having a huge impact on your life?
100% when you get to that awareness now all of a sudden there's so much possibility I could be creating something else.
I maybe I don't want to be creating this anymore.
16:17
I want to try something new.
And then we look at our game board, what is called winning, given what I've been handed here, what is called winning with this situation?
And when you identify it, it fuels you.
It excites you.
Use that as your barometer.
16:32
Don't use whether or not he starts waking up on time as the barometer or whatever is your example that you're hopefully substituting this whole time use.
Did I do it?
Was I his biggest fan?
Did I see what's amazing in him?
Did I?
Yeah.
He's still sleeping in.
Good.
16:48
I won.
I beat the game and I'll go beat the game again tomorrow.
OK, my friends, I hope that this helps you.
I there is nobody that can be his bigger fan than you.
And it's it's beautiful for me when I work with a woman and, you know, she's like struggling, struggling, struggling.
17:06
And then and then she has that moment where she steps back and she's like, she's amazing, right?
I'm not saying I'm doing it.
She's doing it.
She's able to see it.
And we want to just keep that front of mind.
All the things are amazing about him, all the things that you believe in.
And yes, these things are a struggle.
And yes, you have to work it out.
17:22
And I can't promise I could ever make Shanna Rosona easy for anyone.
What I can say is it's probably going to be a lot of work either way.
And it's either going to be work that gets you somewhere or trains you just don't want to be on.
So I'm so passionate about helping women use this time.
17:39
It's a huge transition.
There's a lot going on.
It's also fun, by the way, sometimes people tell me like I was so scared of shadow each other.
Shadow each other could be a blast.
You'll have so many amazing memories from it.
It's just a it can also be a little bit a lot.
That's OK, You can handle it.
17:56
So I'm, I'm just so passionate in helping women to I just so want to help you to use this time to get the most out of it, to just dive in, to make the investment.
And I'm focused on my marriage.
I'm going to do something about it.
I'm going to be intentional and how I'm helping it to grow.
18:11
I'm going to learn some skills.
So if you have not yet signed up for the first year married course, please join us again, we're starting December 2nd.
And if you know somebody who you think would benefit, please, please share.
It could be.
I mean, I see some of these like women that get to me much, much later.
18:28
I wish they could have had this earlier.
I've had so many women tell me they wish they had this earlier.
You don't know what I said you could be doing for someone by just letting them know this exists.
This is an option.
There's so many women right now out there thinking there's nobody available to help them.
They didn't click with their college teacher or whatever it is.
18:44
They don't have someone right now.
So whether it's mine that they said, I hope they sign up for mine.
I hope that I'm able to be the one to help them.
But maybe it's just showing them there are things for you.
There are, there are programs, there are classes, there are things that help.
It can be such a lifeline for people.
19:02
So please, please do share this.
If you are interested in the program, please sign up.
I would love to have you in there.
Kayla levin.com/newlywed and I will see you on the next episode.
My friends have an amazing, amazing rest of your day.
Bye bye.
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