Episode 205 - Three Ways to Maximize Shana Rishona Part 2: No Training, He's Not a Puppy
Updated: Dec 1
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Today I'm sharing with you one of my PET PEEVES that I hear all over--even from those I admire and respect greatly--and that is talking about your husband like he's a puppy that needs "training." In today's episode I'm going to try to onboard you onto my mission to step away from this mindset by explaining to you the unintended consequences of this way of talking. I hope you find it convincing! :)
If this episode spoke to you, I'd love to have you join me in my next round of First Year Married! Get all the details and sign up at kaylalevin.com/newlywed
See you inside!
WHAT YOU'LL DISCOVER IN THIS EPISODE:
Where does this idea come from
The problem with the training mentality
In marriage you have to grow and stretch
FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE:
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0:00
Three ways to maximize Shana Rishona Part 2.
No training. He's not a puppy.
0:21
Welcome to the First Year Married podcast where we get real about building the marriage of your dream.
I'm marriage coach Kayla Levin and I take newly married and engaged women from anxious and insecure to confident and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration, and more than a little self-awareness along the way.
0:42
Hello my friends.
I'm back again for our next segment.
I hope you're not getting offended by my titles, but I just have more fun being a little bit sassy so hope it's OK with you.
This might be my biggest pet peeve with marriage advice.
0:59
Listening to women talk about marriage or even sometimes Shalom bayis classes, which is talking about our husbands as if they are this little puppy that requires training.
OK, where does this come from?
First of all, let me give a little dan l'chaf zchut.
1:16
There is kind of that happening, right?
We do get married.
And maybe you, let's say we're your mother's right hand woman and you know how to clean the kitchen like a pro and you know how to throw up a Shabbos like a pro.
And you know how to do all of these things.
1:32
And he shows up and he wants to help you and he doesn't really know that you have to put the soap on the sponge first.
He's like, what's even fine?
OK, sometimes it happens.
Now, of course, there's exceptions for every rule.
Could be that you're the one who doesn't know what's going on, but that's not where this is coming from.
1:48
This is coming from that experience.
It's a very, very classic experience that so many women have a feeling like they are the more grown up one in the situation.
They're the more adult one.
Maybe they worked.
He's never had a job.
He's been sitting and learning this whole time.
Maybe it's not that.
2:03
Maybe it has to do with housework.
Maybe it has to do with interpersonal relationships.
There's a lot of reason.
There's a lot of neurobiology involved here.
Women as young girls are way more developed in terms of their social relations.
So you really do have a head start in terms of reading, non verbal communication, doing things like that.
2:22
But guess what?
His brain wasn't like idling by while you were doing that.
His brain was doing something else that he got super strong at.
OK, the reason it just makes me cringe when I hear people say train your husband, you know, like, oh, yeah, but it's challenery showing.
2:37
Like you have to train him.
Like he doesn't know yet how to ask about your feelings and not offer solutions.
He doesn't know yet how to help you in the kitchen.
Like we train him.
There is no way that we can talk about our husbands like that and hold them in the level of esteem and respect that I think is critical.
2:54
That I think is basic Derekh Eretz.
It is just how we must show up as humans.
Forget, I'm not talking about male ego.
I'm not talking about anything.
I'm talking about you chose to spend your life with this guy.
Don't be so condescending.
He's not a puppy.
3:11
The only time I'll make an exception is if men talk about themselves this way in a class that I've, I've had, I've been in some Shawn Bias classes given by men.
Fine. You want to, you want to knock yourselves, go to town.
It's cute, it's funny.
As women, I think we have to be so, so careful.
3:29
There's another reason, and I think this is an even more significant one, that this is a real danger.
I'll even say when we speak about husbands as these things that need to be trained and like they're just, it comes along with this whole attitude of as if he's the child, right?
3:49
And then I'll be coaching you 10 years down the line and you're like, how come my husband's such a child?
Well, there might be a lot of reasons, but it's possible that one of those reasons is you've been treating him like 1 the whole time because it's not your fault.
You've been hearing women talk about men like this.
There's not this level of like real respect and honoring what makes men amazing, what makes them so worthy of our respect.
4:14
And when, when, and you know that with all human beings, the more you see what's good in them, the more that it comes out, right?
And if you treat someone like a child, they're going to start to act like a child.
That's just how human beings are.
Is it his growth opportunity to be above that?
Sure. But that's not your lean.
There's nothing you could do about that, right?
4:31
Whether he's going to take that opportunity or not.
What we can focus on is what's going on for the other reason I think this is, this is a, a kind of dangerous mentality is that if I come into Shana Rishona or I come into any phase in marriage, parenthood, parenthood, that's a huge one, right?
4:49
Come into parenthood alongside my husband and I'm, I drank the kool-aid of, you know, us women, we're the mature ones.
We're the ones that I react together.
We're the ones that, you know, have the wherewithal and, you know, we'll just train the husbands whenever we need to.
5:06
What ends up happening is whenever I'm unhappy and I have a problem, I want to up the training.
I want to send him for more training or I want to figure out why my training is not working.
So for instance, let's say I'm in Shana Rishona.
5:23
I need to just vent about a really hard situation.
And my husband starts telling me why he thinks I should just quit this job and just get a different one.
And I've only been there for two weeks and who cares?
And you know, and I'm like, well, I can't quit a job.
And afterwards I'm so frustrated because I, I didn't need to quit the job.
5:40
I didn't need a solution.
I just wanted him to listen and say, Oh my gosh, that sounds really, really hard for you.
What do you need?
What would help?
You want a hot chocolate?
Like I just wanted someone to just be there with me and to hear me and to let me just get it all off my chest.
And instead he offered me solutions.
Now, is there an opportunity here for me to open the window a little bit on the female brain and to say sometimes the solution is just the the disk, the the unloading.
6:09
OK, I can let him know the same way that he might let me know things, right?
It's fine.
It's not like we have to like keep this a secret or or turn man.
You know, we don't have to start thinking like him and behaving like him.
But to say as if the right way to communicate is to go, Oh, that must be hard for you and never offer solutions is a little immature.
6:31
I mean, we want solutions, right?
Like we do want to actually solve the problem.
So what happens if I have that training mentality?
So then he starts to offer solutions and I'm like, oh, no, no, no, honey, instead we have to do it like this.
It's so important that you, no, our version of communication is not, is not superior to his.
6:51
It's different.
Just like if I had let's say an extrovert marries an introvert.
I love this example because most of you know what that is, right?
An extrovert gets energy from being around people.
An introvert recharges by being alone or with very small number of people that are very close intimate friends.
7:08
So let's say he's an extrovert and you're an introvert and he's like, you seem down.
Let's go to a party.
You could say, oh, I know that works for you.
I'm an introvert.
So when I'm feeling down, what I really need is like a book or, or for us to just have like a long conversation on the porch or like just to just be alone for a little while.
7:26
I'm like, oh, you crazy extrovert.
You don't know how to recharge.
No, that's how it works for you.
OK, and also I miss out on again, all those amazing solutions that he's offering me, which actually do make my life better.
So I'm like all in his lane.
That's what I, I like to call it like, am I in my lane or his lane?
7:42
This is the he's he's a puppy mentality.
The he needs training mentality is so in his lane, I'm spending the whole time noticing what he's doing wrong.
How could it be different?
And the only thing I'm thinking about myself is like, am IA good puppy trainer?
Like, have I communicated this well enough for him to change?
8:01
Generally, when we're dealing with other people, we don't want the ultimate goal for them to be different than they are.
You know, that can be a very bitter pill to swallow if right now you're feeling totally dysregulated or frustrated or stuck or overwhelmed with a trait that you maybe weren't expecting to find in him or that you didn't expect to be so to struggle so much with it yourself.
8:24
But I just want you to know that there's only one place your brain can be at a time.
Even though we think a lot, if your brain is busy thinking how he should be different, how he could change, how his life would be better if he finally woke up when his alarm clock went off, whatever.
The thing is, your brain is not focusing on how do I make my life better?
8:44
How do I get back in my lane?
What do I need to be doing to enjoy myself?
What do I need to be doing to connect?
How do I want to be showing up as a wife and am I living my values in that way?
You got to pick.
You can't do both.
I'm not saying anytime you notice yourself thinking about your husband and maybe some room for improvement, you're a bad person or that it's not natural.
9:06
It's natural, It's understandable.
There's no one who's who's going to know your flaws and your strengths better than your spouse.
There's just no way you live together and it's a sham.
This is going to be a very open and honest and real relationship and that's what's going to be.
9:22
And so that means you're going to see his.
When you live with someone, that's what you get to know, right?
You know more about them.
Why do you think when we're doing shaddach and we call the roommate because they know more.
Yeah. And you're a lot more than a roommate.
So you are going to know those things. It's OK to notice them. It's even OK to notice.
9:38
A shame. You know, if he wasn't so soft spoken, maybe he would have gotten that promotion or maybe he would have gotten that, you know, into that cheer that he wanted.
OK. OK. And how long am I going to stay there?
9:56
Am I going to get stuck there or am I going to get refocused on?
He's my husband.
What kind of wife do I want to be for him?
How do I want to show up for this guy?
And I can get back into a very proactive place.
So this idea that it's all about bringing them up to our level, kind of this like training mentality.
10:19
I totally lose track of what's available for me.
I lose track of my growth in this situation because let's not delude ourselves.
He is one of your life challenges.
He's also one of the biggest blessings in your life.
But it's not like we got personal development in all areas of our life.
10:36
But in marriage, this is little cocoon where you're not required to grow or stretch at all.
Nope.
Just like we know when we become parents that we're going to be required to grow and stretch.
I'm going to have to have more patience.
I'm going to have to know how to function without sleep.
I'm going to have to, you know, understand people deeply and be deeply committed to their well-being.
10:54
OK? Same with marriage.
I'm also going to have to grow and stretch.
And I don't want to miss the boat.
I don't want to lose that opportunity because I'm too busy in his lane.
So from now on, I hope I've recruited you to the non puppy trainer form of working on your marriage.
11:14
There's so much more available to you.
There's so much admiration and respect for your husband available on the other side or just on the other path from this.
And I, I just encourage you, you know, to anytime that kind of mentality comes up, you just notice it and just let it go.
11:33
Just like if someone were to say like I something ridiculous that you know isn't true about like a political thing or about, I don't know, like start saying like, I hate how they all speak Chinese and Japan.
You'd be like, OK, the person's just wrong, whatever, just let it go.
11:50
Same thing when you hear that kind of mentality, the kind of speaking about men, it's just not worth it.
Just let it go.
We go way more into depth into all of this inside of my course first year married, which is starting December 2nd.
12:06
If you're listening to this on time 2024 and I would absolutely love to have you join us in this round.
We've made it even better than ever.
I have some shifts that I'm really excited to offer you.
It's a very on the I want you to get support on anything that you need without feeling like you have to, you know, overcome the awkwardness of speaking out in public.
12:44
So all the questions are anonymous and I sent out the answers to the group.
So I don't even know who's asking what.
And it just creates this opportunity for you to get this information, process this information and really see where you're struggling with it and get the support for that in real time.
13:00
Shana Shana is a huge opportunity for you to build a really strong foundation for your marriage.
There's a lot of information out there that can help.
It's not a luck of the draw.
It's not whether or not you click, it's not whether or not you're good at relationships.
It's not a value judgement.
13:17
There are tools here.
Marriage is a skill, and there are tools that you can learn to make it better and for you to grow in your own journey and figure out who you're going to be inside the context of this marriage.
So I would again love to have you inside Kayla levin.com/newlywed.
13:34
And please, please forward that along to any newlyweds that you know that you think might benefit.
Thank you so much.
See you next week.
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