Episode 46 - Your Relationship Momentum

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Episode 46 Overview

This episode is inspired by a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert's amazing book, Big Magic.* The book is about creativity, but of course we're going to be applying it to our marriages here.

“If you can't do what you long to do, go do something else. Go walk the dog, go pick up every bit of trash on the street outside your home, go walk the dog again, go bake a peach cobbler, go paint some pebbles with brightly colored nail polish and put them in a pile. You might think it's procrastination, but - with the right intention - it isn't; it's motion. And any motion whatsoever beats inertia, because inspiration will always be drawn to motion.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

When I heard this quote about motion, a light went off. This is the change that I've seen in my marriage and my clients' marriages. The motion. The momentum.

Our relationships have momentum.

You know those nights where you just can’t see eye to eye and you’re circling the issue over and over and going back and forth and getting more and more frustrated and it’s almost DEFINITELY past your bedtime? This is the opposite of motion. This is gridlock.

1. Go to bed angry.

When you do something dumb. I do something dumb about every twenty minutes. (Sidenote: I once called him stupid and he just froze--we don’t call eachother names--and gave me this funny look and we both burst out laughing. At that point I saw how far we’d come… it’s actually the point at which I fully committed to being a marriage coach.) But I still do dumb things. I boss him around instead of asking, I get all cranky at him when I didn’t go to bed or take care of myself, I whine… whatever. And the major difference between Kayla now and Kayla 10 years ago is that the SECOND I realize, I apologize. Like it’s barely out of my mouth and I just say “UGH sorry.” --the longer you wait the bigger a deal it becomes.

2. Apologize immediately

Your image of him is in gridlock. You aren’t operating from curiosity and wonder. He seems predictable. You think you know him through and through (or at least you act that way).

3. Change it up

Play question games, go weird dates, or watch him "in his natural habitat" --doing something you don't normally see. Go watch him play basketball with his friends or for me, go watch him speak

Here are two great resources by John Gottman for question games:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Eight Dates

Your self-image or image of the relationship is in gridlock. “Well he’s this and I’m that so that’s just how it is.” Or “what can you expect… MEN.” 

4. Get coached.

Of course you should all take my program https://firstyearmarried.com :) But if not, take one! And when you take it, be active. Reach out. Ask questions. We can’t see what’s in our own heads sometimes. You need someone to pull it out and show it to you. For most of my clients, they’ll come to me with thoughts like, “I’m trying to be positive about this really difficult situation” and I’ll say, “when did we decide it was difficult?” Look, I can’t do this for myself--that’s why I get coached. So if you can’t swing it now, start running models. My course is designed to give you the most coaching and relationship tools I can in the most efficient, budget-friendly way possible because I know for some of you this is not the time when you’re rolling in money. But really, learn the model, get coached, and get coached by someone who knows thought work! I don't work with coaches who don’t do this. Most life coaches don’t learn this approach. Also, I might be JUST a bit biased here.

Ok you amazing ladies. Take these four tools, start assessing your relationship momentum, keep an eye out for gridlock, and go keep being awesome.

*the links here are affiliate links